Hello World!

Hello world indeed!

Starting out in the blogging world … well. What can I say? It’s almost midnight and I’ve decided to start a blog. Why?

Because I want to write.

And generally, I’ll admit it, I’m useless at actually getting anything done.

So maybe. Just maybe. This might be a way to get my pretty lazy ass to write something. Anything. Everything.

So feel free to drop in and leave a note and see how I’m doing. Maybe as I continue in my blogging journey I’ll discover that writing might not be what the almighty universe created me for. Maybe I’ll find my purpose doing something else. Being something else. And writing won’t even feature. Ever.

(As you can see I have no idea where this is going to take me).

But bear with me. Don’t give up on me and I promise I won’t give up on you.

And together, as I rant randomly about all sorts of things, we’ll find out whether I’m meant to write for the rest of my life or whether I was meant to resume life as normal cleaning the floor at the local McDonalds. Either way, it should be a blast.

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Daily Prompt: Retreat

via Daily Prompt: Retreat

To speak the word is to invoke the elation of pillowy and sleepy vacations

Immersion in giant white spa bath waters

Relaxed, happy sensations.

Unless you’re word association ties such a term to withdrawal and forced emancipation. The last time you thought of it, you were back pedalling from some kind of situation. Unfortunate in nature. A regrettable rumination.

What do you think of?

 

 

 

 

 

An Unfinished Year of Deaths

The year is passing by just as quickly as it ever has.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years – the older I get, the *quicker* these years seem to pass by. That’s the feeling I get anyway.

I’m only 38 but I feel like I’m getting to the business end of living. By business end I mean the potential for me to drop dead from nasty, undiagnosed things seems a bit higher. Here in New Zealand, there’s been a few stories making the rounds about people in my age bracket who have done exactly that. There’s only been a few of them, granted, but it’s enough to make you think twice about whether or not you’re living the life you actually wanted.

This year seems to be a year of particularly memorable deaths.  High profile deaths. Deaths within our own family. With each one of them I’m reminded of how fragile life is. How it’s easy to take this very, very luck of the draw situation for granted.

I love that Annie Dillard quote –

“How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives”

My mother died when she was 42 from cancer. Cancer, attempting to save people, attempting to support all the children and new babies under her roof, being everyone to everybody. I wish I had asked her if she was happy. I wish I knew whether or not she was happy. Maybe all that busy-ness made her happy.

At the end of the day how I choose to spend my days is totally up to me. If it makes me happy then it’s legit.

The End of 2016

How was your 2016? I realise you’re gearing up for Christmas and New Year’s might not be on your radar yet, but I’m interested anyway.

Mine was terrible. Thanks for asking.

I’m comforted by the fact that the last two years were terrible and surely the universe doesn’t have more outstanding ridiculousness to serve me. In saying that, anything’s possible.

This year, I successfully regained the 25 kilos I had shed, and quite easily, I might add. I will probably never need cocaine or any other drug due to the fact that I love sugar and salt so much. That’s not why this year was unsuccessful. No. I thought becoming fatter would be the total disaster, but it turns out that other people are more obsessed with my weight than I am. No. This year was a disaster due to the following fact:

I am successfully doing things that I don’t feel I was meant to do and this year happily served that gem to me in great fashion, gift wrapped, tied with bows. I’m pretty sure everyone has had this moment in life and if you haven’t, well, I ain’t mad at ya. As for me and my house, we won’t be serving the lord and we won’t be continuing down this current road till retirement.

This year also served as a reminder of how much I spend as a way to deflect from the fact that I’m probably not doing the types of things in my life that I probably should be.

And if you’re reading this thinking to yourself “well, this is snoozy diary writing at it’s best” you’d be right. I just wanted to pen these things and ink them into my own consciousness. Again.

Other than that, how about that Donald Trump upset? Honest to god, I did not see that coming. Well. I kind of thought at one stage “oh dear god, I think this guy really has a shot” but come on. Despite the hatred that seems to really well up in some people’s hearts about Hilary (which to this day, I still don’t understand) and whatever she apparently stands for, at the end of the day, are you really going to choose a guy who runs a reality show over an actual lawyer? Say what you want about lawyers but at least they did their dues and know something. Sure Trump makes money but those speeches are like sitting in a really terrible church service with no aircon and alternately suffocating and bewildered at the same time. Or being tied to a chair and made to listen to commercials about steak knives that tell you “wait … there’s more!” on endless repeat. In the end, that guy won out. Each to their own I suppose (although when the decision was announced I did think everyone in that country had lost their minds!)

Now that he’s in there he seems to be putting together the richest group of leaders that the world has ever seen. It’s like we hired our bankers to run the show. I’m sure they will out-deal every other country on earth to successfully garner as much money as possible and begin the lockdown towards becoming super insular, like in the good ol’ days. As a person who is not a citizen of that country and does not reside in the U.S, I cannot wait for my country to be at the trading mercy of that super power of a country. It’s very exciting that the world is at the mercy of a guy who used to have a show called “The Apprentice”. It gives Kanye and every soap star in the world very real hope that if they have enough money, and enough terrible speeches, and turn up at the right time to leverage disparities and fear, you too can become the leader of a nation. It’s a thing folks! No actual qualifications or experience necessary.

Otherwise, I guess 2016 was an ok year. Personally. Internationally. Aleppo was a fail. Brexit was either horrendous or delightful depending on how you potentially feel about immigration and your own personal fears around being *heard*. And so forth and so forth. I wouldn’t move to Auckland either. Unless you’re excited about potentially living in a small box that cost you half a million dollars. You read that right. Small places cost half a mill. Good luck!

I’m looking forward to sunshine and summer on this side of the globe, and generally looking back on this year with fondness and despair. Glad that it’s over but glad that I still have a job, can listen to whatever music I like, have a roof over my head and people who love me enough to put up with me. I’m looking forward to avoiding Christmas shopping and saying I love you out loud to my nearest and dearest on Christmas Day.

I’m looking forward to 2017.

Merry Christmas!

 

 

 

 

 

Almost Two Years On …

I had a little look back at one of the first posts I did and was surprised that it was actually around 2012! My how time passes so quickly.

It has been an interesting couple of years. To date, as of this moment, I am still working at the same job. Enjoying the same people. Living with new friends. Enjoying new things. I’ve lost 25 kilos and counting. My approach to health has changed radically and I’m glad that I’m in a better place committed to better living.

I still struggle with managing money. I am completely and utterly useless. The up side is that it keeps me humble. The downside is that I’m still feeding a very greedy part of who I am that doesn’t like to tell herself *no*.

But the writing. The one thing that I wanted to make sure that I maintained. The one thing that I wanted to really indulge in. Well. That’s the one thing that I really need to consider and rethink – is this something I really, REALLY, want to do?

From now until December I get to seriously reconsider whether or not I need to even keep dreaming and keep bothering. I need to think about where I am heading. Are there new dreams that I’ve been ignoring?

The time to find out is now.

How Far Can I Go? It Remains To Be Seen.

Thinking about how far I can go in terms of committing to things and getting things done has been entertaining. 

Here’s the first thing that’s getting done – looking after my physical well being.

As noted, I started the journey of looking after myself in October of last year. At that point I was 109 kilograms. As of today I’m 86.5. That in and of itself has been pretty amazing. I’m not following any particular diet rules except ones that seem to make sense and resonate with me. For example “all things in moderation” Yeah eat the chocolate. Drink that wine. Just not on the hour every hour for most days. I did have to farewell McDonalds and KFC though. I had to give myself the speech about how I’ve enjoyed a good 20 years of McDonalds eating and it’s ok to say goodbye. I’m not good with moderate Big Mac eating (that’s how I got to 109 in the first place). So we parted ways and continued on our respective paths. Being 22.5 kilograms lighter has it’s benefits. 

However, I’m still useless with money.

Running has definitely been something I’ve always wanted to do more of or be better at. Especially since I hadn’t run since, well, being a child in primary school. I love treadmill running. I won’t run around my neighbourhood due to my fear of dogs and poor lighting. Running on concrete also makes my joints a bit angrier than they should be.

What else could I possibly attempt? What else could I possibly do?

Oh there are so many things I’d love to consider. Where should I really start? With me? With getting myself balanced? It’s what I’m leaning towards. It’s what I’d like. Before jumping into anything else hugely I’d like to start with me.

 

 

 

 

I Didn’t Know What To Write

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This is how I felt for a bit of a while. In sepia. A bit on the edge. With a lot of things to do. With a lot of people I had to do things for (and if I was being honest, I didn’t have to do a lot for others. That’s just how I “felt”. I needed a reality check).

Come October last year it came to a head. I was experiencing scary shooting pains in my arms. Incredibly stressed. Living on coffee and drive through food. Not sleeping. That kind of thing.

I took things into my own hands and began really trying to fix, at the very least, things involving my health. I’d talked and dreamed for years about being a smaller person. Believing that it would solve every single problem in my life. To date, I’ve lost almost 20 kilograms and counting. That was from last October. It hasn’t solved every single problem in my life. I do feel differently about myself though. Physically I feel pretty amazing. These things have not been bad things at all.

And I didn’t know what to write. During all that time. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to keep writing about. I still don’t know. And I didn’t want to be one of those blogs that turns into a how-I-lost-tons-of-weight. (There’s so many amazing ones. I don’t think you need one from me).

So at the moment I’m just one of those people purging my thoughts into a random atmosphere but I’m not sorry. I wanted to write. So I’m writing. Even if it’s to say I’m not sure what to say. 

There is one thing that I’ve definitely become interested in and that’s the idea of how far I can push myself. In anything. Especially the things that I’ve always dreamt about. All those things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the balls to attempt. Seriously losing weight is was one of those things and now I’m in the process of doing this. So what else am I capable of?

I’ve loved reading blogs about what people have been brave enough to do and are brave enough to admit they are struggling with. The journeys are amazing. So maybe that’s my writing journey for this blog? What am I capable of? 

I’m definitely interested in finding out.

 

 

 

 

 

The Man Who Acts

Fantastic inspiration for 2014 and . . . just life in general! 🙂

The Better Man Project ™

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The past year was a learning experience

You were tested

You wrote

You learned

But this year is a year of action

Of taking everything that you have learned over the past year and putting it to work

Your beliefs

Your skills

Your talents

There are lots of possibilities

Lots of options

Let’s be honest for a second

You really don’t know what you are truly capable of

Impossible is just something you haven’t found the solution to yet

It doesn’t mean that one doesn’t exist

So create it

Create the future

By acting in the present

Actions are the most valuable commodities on the planet

Words, even graceful ones, can be created by anybody

You can write them, speak them, post them anywhere to the world

But the man who acts – that man is invaluable

He gets things done

He works

He grinds

And he creates a beautiful…

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Forgiveness And Bridges

I hope you’ve had an amazing Christmas! This year, Christmas for me was awesome. Just straight up awesome. I loved being with my friends. I love my family. Christmas always reminds me of how blessed I am. I’m glad the universe chose them for me!

I’ve already reminisced about how this year has gone. It has been long and hard and I like to refer to it as the year of the cull. Marriages ended. Relationships finished. Employment dried up. And so on and so on. Over the last couple of days one of the other things I’ve been thinking about is forgiveness.

I am, by nature, quite the resentful type. If you can’t read my mind and know what I want I’ll resent that. If I have to spell things out for you I’ll resent that. What I’ve really resented over the last couple of years are the things I’ve done to myself and what I have let others do to me. I’ve also been ultra critical of what I have done to other people and I’m always worried about not being able to make right. So I’m resentful and it makes me bitter, if I’m being really honest. I put on the best possible face there is so I don’t have to really talk about this but there you have it. That’s what I am.

And I thought “you really need to build some bridges and get over stuff”.

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness due to the fact that the bitterness tends to secretly eat away at me. I like to think it’s secret but I do know that half the time it’s actually painted all over my features but the words that come out of my mouth are akin to something like “I’m fine. No, nothings wrong”

But there is.

So I need to really get over myself. Half the things I like to be resentful about are really small, tiny and pathetic. When I actually give those resentments a voice and they’re spoken into the air I sound like the small fool that I am. When I dig a bit deeper into why I let others do what they do I find that actually, I do it because I want something from them that I really need to create for myself. Things like self acceptance etc. You get the picture.

I’ve been reading some amazing stuff on MindBodyGreen lately. I’ve loved their articles about looking after yourself, about love and just about living realistically as your best self. Part of what made me think about building bridges and get over stuff already. Being vulnerable and being open to being my best self is on the agenda for 2014. Forgiveness and bridges – you’re up first.

 

 

 

 

Looking After Yourself During The Festive Season

I hope you’re enjoying the giant lead up to Christmas! Isn’t it crazy? All the things we put ourselves through just for the one day? I like to think of the whole of December as Christmas, culminating on the 25th. The 25th is also just a prelude to saying “thanks for being an (insert the appropriate description here) year” with the first of Jan just saying a hello to something new. 

Anyway, one of the biggest things I’ve decided to really get a handle on over the last month and a half is the fact that I don’t take care of myself and I need to. That part of being overweight is due to the fact I’m not taking care of myself. That not being organised with things is not looking after myself. When I’m beginning to breath in a way that’s not conducive to living in general (lots of shallow breaths because I’m anxious about whatever) I’m not taking care of myself.

Addressing things and confronting myself about why I do what I do and being honest with myself has being freeing. Saying goodbye to Big Macs and the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices has felt like madness! 

This summer I’m looking forward to being kinder to myself and looking after myself and remembering to look after myself. Getting enough sleep. Drinking more water. Get out into sunshine and enjoy life by the sea. Buy wonderful and amazing body butters and get pedicures and massages often. And savouring every bite of delicious food that comes my way via the 25th. 

I hope December is shaping up to be awesome! And hopefully you’re looking after yourself too. You deserve it 🙂